


pizza heathen

by Drake



Series: it may not be a millenium yet, but who's counting? [6]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Gen, very vulgar italian swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25545106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drake/pseuds/Drake
Summary: Booker and Nicky have a century-old game: Booker buys the most ridiculous, incongruous ingredients when he gets the groceries, and Nicky is tasked with making an edible meal out of them. Most of the time, this works out in Nicky's favor.Sometimes...he creates an abomination.
Series: it may not be a millenium yet, but who's counting? [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1829071
Comments: 51
Kudos: 382





	pizza heathen

**Author's Note:**

> i got called a pizza heathen in the [old guard discord](https://discord.gg/kDJpjxx) and then this fell out of my pocket
> 
> credit to ghrelt for coming up with this game in our series [we're meant to find each other](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1841152)

For the past hundred-odd years, Booker and Nicky have had a running challenge. Whenever it’s Booker’s turn to buy the groceries, the ingredients for their dinner, he buys the most unlikely ingredients. It’s Nicky’s job to try and make a cohesive meal out of them. 

Joe jokes that Booker was drunk the first time he came home with a chicken, apples, pickled cabbage, and one bundle of basil, and Booker has been spitefully denying it ever since in the form of this game.

Luckily for all of them, Nicky is a master in the kitchen, and he almost always comes out on top with something delicious. Booker marvels, even as he enjoys it, even as it pisses him off, because that _shouldn’t have worked_ and yet it always seems to. 

This time, though, if one asked Nicky...he made an abomination.

He was already kneading the dough, the tomatoes mashed and boiling quietly, when he saw the pineapple at the bottom of the bag. And he’s too far in to change course, and too stubborn to let Booker win over a fruit, so when he assembles the thing and puts it into the oven, it goes in with pineapple pieces on top.

Joe, the inexplicable, fool heart that he is, loves it.

Nicky would have thought that his taste - which included himself - would preclude him from such a horrific outcome.

Joe insists that the sweetness of the fruit is a perfect offset to the meat, the sauce, the cheese.

And now matter how much he hates his creation, he could never begrudge his Yusuf the joy that he currently wears, as he eats one slice and then two. 

So Nicky turns his ire to the man at fault. “Solo un francese potrebbe pensare che comprare un frutto acido abbastanza da attaccarti la bocca e cercare di farti male quando lo mangi sia accettabile come ingrediente in una pizza, specialmente andando a rovinare dell'ottimo prosciutto che non t'ha fatto niente di male,” he insists, waving a tomato-sauce-covered spoon at him. “Ti meriteresti un ananas tutto tuo per questa bella idea, su per il culo e spinto a fondo!”

Booker laughs into his drink, and when Joe tells the local pizzeria about the best suggestion he has ever heard, to just try it with pineapple - well, Nicky can only hope, for Booker’s sake, that it doesn’t catch on.

It does, to his horror. 

The universe grants him one small mercy, and it is that his name is not attached to the devilry that comes to be known as hawaiian pizza. 

**Author's Note:**

> i, like Joe, am a pizza heathen. I love pineapple on my pizza. Fight me c;
> 
> thanks to Olorisstra for the wonderful italian swearing. The translation is as follows: Only a French would be able to think that buying a fruit acid enough to attack your mouth and try to hurt you while you eat it is acceptable as an ingredient in a pizza, especially ruining some fantastic prosciutto that did nothing wrong to you. You'd deserve a pineapple all of your own for this great idea, up the ass and pushed deep!


End file.
